Sophinisba Solis (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
sophinisba) wrote2008-01-01 02:56 pm
sophinisba) wrote2008-01-01 02:56 pm
Entry tags:
Yuletide fic: Children of Men: Into That Good Night
[Backdated to January 1st, actually posting on February 19, 2008]
Title: Into That Good Night (part 1)
Author: Sophinisba
Fandom: Children of Men (the movie)
Starring: Julian and Theo
Rating: PG-13
Words: 16,137
Summary: Julian and Theo in that beautiful time when people refused to admit the future was just around the corner.
Warnings: Canon character death, no happy ending
Notes: Written for![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
krabapple for ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
yuletide 2007. Thanks to claudia603 for the beta. The title and a line of dialogue come from the Dylan Thomas poem "Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night". The song Theo sings is Bob Dylan's "When the Ship Comes In".
2004
Wednesday, December 1st
It was the first day of December, but it felt good to be outside. The cold was invigorating, especially if you were walking against the wind.
Julian marched arm in arm with a woman and a man whose names she didn't know, chanting slogans, feeling the wind in her hair, feeling strong and connected.
She'd spent far too much of the last week crying over being alone, but she was done with that now. Being without a boyfriend didn't make her alone. Being in a couple – being tied down to someone like Ritchie, who couldn't even understand why she'd been crying so much ever since November 3rd – just kept her cut off from the rest of the world. What she had today was far better.
By the time they poured out into Trafalgar Square there was already a crowd of over a thousand gathered around the low platform where a man she didn't recognize was making a speech she'd heard far too many times before, complaining that Tony Blair was in bed with George Bush. Julian immediately started to miss the mindless chanting and blowing whistles. A frail old woman wandering around the inner edge of the crowd was adding to her sense of unease.
The woman's mouth was moving as she raised a weak fist in the air. Then she looked like she was trying to climb up onto the platform with the speaker, who ignored her and her difficulty. She's ill, Julian thought, she's crazy and any minute she'll start raving and break up the speech. Not that it was a speech Julian much wanted to hear, but she liked things to go according to plan – even protests that were meant to disrupt someone else's plan.
The woman did make it up onto the platform then, but at once she lost her balance and started to fall, and above or below all the other noise of the day Julian thought she heard a low moan, resigned, like a sigh, as if she knew she was lost. A little cry of distress went up from the crowd, but only one person stepped forward and caught her.
The crowd moved a little to open up a space for the two of them to walk away, and the speech went on. Julian tried to follow the old woman and her rescuer with her eyes, and when other bodies got in the way she let go of the people she'd marched with and quietly started weaving her own way out. It was awkward because they were so tightly packed, and by the time she was standing free and alone she could see that the young man was as well. He stood next to a park bench, arms folded across his chest, frowning at the speaker. As Julian walked toward him she called out, "Was she all right?"
He turned to her, surprised. Apparently he hadn't noticed her approaching. "As far as I can tell. One minute she was leaning on me like she couldn't stand on her own and the next she'd hopped off and got on a bus. By the time I'd figured out she was leaving she was already gone."
"Thank you for helping her."
"Is she a friend of yours?"
Julian shook her head. "I was just worried."
He shrugged slightly, still watching the crowd. "Good thing there aren't too many people today, we'd have been crushed."
"Were you at the protest on October 14th?"
"Of course. Everyone and his brother was there on October 14th, it was incredible, like some kind of world party. Even the Americans came out then."
Julian smirked. "How do you know I'm not Canadian?"
"From the guilty look on your face."
She laughed. "Fair enough." She'd been feeling guilty ever since she got to England in September – even worse since the election – and she knew sometimes it showed. It was, to be honest, one of her prime motivators for coming out to the rallies. The need to let people know she hated Bush's war was stronger since she'd failed, with her uncounted absentee ballot, to get rid of him.
They stared at each other, neither one quite knowing what to say but not ready to be done talking either. "Do you want to grab a cup of coffee or something?" he asked.
She did, but she hesitated, glancing back at the mass of people she'd been so happy to be part of not half an hour ago.
"After the rally's over, I mean," he added quickly. "Wouldn't want to take anything away from – Oh, shit."
"What is it?"
He was patting at the pockets of his coat, then his jeans. "She, oh, she took my wallet!"
"Who, the woman you –"
"Yes, the helpless old bag I rescued from the mob of rabble-rousers... Oh, I can't believe this. I've just met the most beautiful girl I've ever seen and now she knows I'm an idiot."
Julian couldn't help laughing. He clearly was truly embarrassed, and yet he continued to flirt. "I don't think you're an idiot."
"Idiotic, gullible, and a show-off. Oh yeah, and broke."
"Well, I fell for it just as much as you did."
He shook his head. "Con artist probably goes to protests figuring she'll run into a bunch of overly trusting bleeding-hearts..."
"But only found one, apparently."
"And one is enough. I, uh. I should go, I think, I need to go report this." He looked around, as if unsure who he needed to report it to. There were several police officers standing nearby, but they looked like their job was to keep the protesters from getting out of hand. Not the most approachable, with their guns and their riot clubs.
Julian said, "Do you want me to go with you? I can be your witness…or at least make sure you have bus fare."
He considered this. "No, thanks. I do want to talk to you some more, but preferably not at a police station. And I've got my bike here, so don't worry about me getting home. It was nice meeting you."
She nodded, smiled, and held out her hand. "My name's Julian."
"Theo," he said, shaking it. "Do you live here or are you just –"
"Yeah, I'm here for the school year."
"So I might see you again?"
"That depends. Will you come to the Anti-War Coalition meeting on Saturday?"
"If you'll be there, then yeah." He looked straight at her when he said it, as if he'd forgotten to be embarrassed again, and Julian rolled her eyes, but she couldn't deny her heart had sped up.
Saturday, December 4th
The meeting was held at seven AM in a basement bar that wouldn't see customers until nightfall. The place couldn't be very cheerful in any light, but in early morning it looked especially rundown, and the stale smell of alcohol and cigarettes made Julian feel vaguely ill. That, the fact that their special invited speaker was going on about a lot of things everyone already knew, and the fact that Theo wasn't there all made her wish she'd slept in this Saturday morning.
Theo made it in twenty minutes past the hour, carrying two paper cups with coffee. Julian was sitting in the second row and he had to step over three other people to get to the seat next to her, which she'd saved. She noticed that his coffee was black whereas hers had just the amount of cream she liked and only a little too much sugar. Later she'd have to ask him how he knew.
Five minutes later she felt his foot knock against hers. In the next few minutes it happened a second and a third time, and soon enough she started kicking back, just as a way to relieve the boredom. She had to bite her lip to keep from giggling.
She was relieved when the speeches were over and they got down to the business of assigning tasks and volunteers for what needed to be accomplished by the following week. That part took very little time, and soon the meeting broke up and most of the others shuffled out and up the stairs.
Julian hung around with a few of the organizers to help put the chairs and tables back in place and pick up paper plates and cups. Theo stayed as well. The two of them grabbed opposite ends of the long table and lifted.
"I think you're corrupting me," she told him.
"What do you mean? You're the one who's got me involved in underground activities."
"The AWC is a legally registered organization," said Rajeev. Julian hadn't realized anyone else was listening.
"All right," said Theo, "but you can't deny we're hiding in a basement." He gestured around at the bar.
"It's just a temporary space."
"Lighten up, Rajeev," said Julian, but he turned away without answering.
When they'd set the table back in its place another table caught Theo's eye.
"Is that a foosball table?"
"Looks like."
"You're acting like you don't care," said Theo, "but you want to give it a try, I can tell."
"You mean you think I've never played this game before?"
"Not with the likes of me you haven't."
Julian looked back to see whether the others were ready to leave, but they'd gotten into their own form of competition, arguing about short- and long-term goals. They wouldn't be breaking up anytime soon. She tossed the little white ball into the center and hit.
The game was intense from the start, with Theo putting not only hands but legs and shoulders into it. He could keep three bars and their men spinning at the same time – which was not to say that he was in control of all of them. The first two times he hit the ball out of the table it went flying halfway across the room. Theo ran to bring it back. The third time she was the one who hit it out, and Theo caught it in his hand, and the look on his face was so smug that Julian felt the need to tell him, "I can do that. You think I can't do that?"
She'd already won a game by then, and rather than keep on with a second one they made a new game, punching the ball into the air on purpose to see who could catch it. At one point it hit Theo hard in the cheek. He shouted, affecting to be gravely injured, but half laughing all the time. The next time the ball flew close to Julian's face, she caught it in her mouth. Theo pointed and laughed out loud, his face open in a way she hadn't seen it before. She decided she wanted to keep playing this game.
Only when she got home she wondered why she thought she had time for games.
They'd made plans to get together on Monday afternoon, and then Julian spent the rest of the weekend deciding how she was going to tell him… Well, she couldn't exactly tell him she didn't want to be with him anymore, since they weren't seeing each other yet, but she made plans to cut this off before it got any farther.
Monday, Dec. 6th
They got to sit and talk in an actual coffee shop this time, one with fair trade coffee, vegan baked goods, and friendly people. They laughed over small talk and cream and sugar, and Julian hesitated to wreck the mood, but she knew putting it off wouldn't help any.
"I just got out of a relationship a little while ago," she said. "That was my decision and I think it was the right decision. I'm still in classes – going into finals, actually – and I'm in this movement and I'm...I don't mean this to be insulting, but –"
"But you're not playing around," said Theo. "You don't have time for that."
"Yeah." She'd had the feeling from the moment she met him that he got her. Funny to have him agreeing with her about her reasons for not going out with him, of all things. But it made it easier to keep talking. "I don't take a stack of flyers because I think it'll be fun to stand on the street with a guy like you and chat while we hand them out, or because I get off on the excitement at protests."
His smile was small, lopsided, closed-lipped. "And you think that's why I'm here?"
Well, it was why he'd said he'd come.
"I understand," he said, though she hadn't answered him. "How about this: if you ever realize that my company is keeping you from doing what you need to do, or if my making fun of the wankers in your legally registered protest organization keeps you from taking the cause itself seriously, then I'll consider that a legitimate reason for you to stop seeing me. But don't decide I'm a moral zero with no commitment to anything of real value just because I like a game of foosball once in a while."
Then she found out he'd done his homework – had distributed all the flyers he'd promised to on Saturday and, more impressively, written up copy for some better ones. She made a few suggestions. They argued, productively, and made some changes, and then he said, "It's not a zero-sum game, you know."
"What?"
"If you start to care about someone else, it doesn't mean you'll care less about Iraq, or about anything else."
"I know that," Julian said. She did, she'd known that all along, but it was still good to have it said out loud.
Wednesday, December 8th
Theo met Julian at the library at seven on Wednesday night. The flat they were going to wasn't close to his or Julian's but it was a straight shot from campus by public transport.
"You're nervous, aren't you? I don't think I've seen you nervous before."
"Her opinion means a lot to me," Julian explained.
"I guess I should be more nervous then, if you're trusting me to make a good impression."
Julian walked ahead, not meeting his eyes. "Well, I'm pretty sure you'll make a better impression than Ritchie, so it's not that much of a gamble, really." And if she does hate you, Julian didn't say, then at least I'll know. A kind of What would Janice do? attitude had helped her make up her mind to end it with Ritchie. And if things went badly tonight, that could help her with another decision.
A man's voice answered the buzzer and let them in, but Janice was the one who opened the door. "Welcome," she said, smiling wider than Julian had ever seen her in class. She held out her hand for Theo to shake and said, "I'm Janice Palmer and I'm so pleased you're not Ritchie," causing Julian to laugh out loud.
"Theo Faron, and the feeling is entirely mutual."
At first Julian couldn't believe how small the apartment was and how…dingy. It was just one bedroom, smaller than the place Julian shared with another foreign student, and it smelled worse. Well, unless you liked the smell of curry mixed with marijuana.
Both smells got stronger as you crossed the short distance to the kitchen, where a man with slightly graying long hair was attempting to sing and dance and smoke and taste the sauce all at the same time.
"How are you two with spices?" he enquired. "Can you take the heat, or do I need to make a separate batch for you? Ah, is that Rioja?" He took the wine Theo had brought. "Excellent. I'm Jasper, by the way."
Julian had met Janice's husband just once before and, though she wouldn't say so, had a little trouble understanding what a brilliant woman like her was doing with an immature layabout like him. But then, she'd been dating Ritchie at the time, so she wasn't exactly in a position to throw stones.
She knew he was a political cartoonist and she'd seen his name and signature drawings. He was good at what he did, she supposed, but that wasn't anywhere near in the same league with what Janice did.
Janice was an adjunct professor in the journalism program at the university where Julian had come for her junior year, wanting to get some international perspective on her chosen career and, if truth be told, to spend more time with Ritchie, whom she'd met in New York.
Janice taught one class on photojournalism per semester – a practical one in the spring and a more theoretical one in the fall which, luckily for Julian, required a lot of reading and writing but not talent for taking actual photographs.
Janice wasn't the kind of person you ran into at a protest, unless she was there to document the police misconduct. She wasn't the kind of professor you told that you didn't manage to finish the homework because you'd been busy with planning a political event, as Julian had learned you could do with a few others. Janice had her own job that worked as its own kind of activism, and she made her two jobs work with none of them suffering. She scheduled the one class she taught for three hours once a week so that she'd have the other six for trips to the continent, and occasionally other continents.
Over dinner she asked Theo if he was a student too.
"Yes," he said, "I'm just finishing up a course for teaching secondary school, history and citizenship."
"Citizenship," Jasper repeated, amused. "Going to teach Julian how to be a good Englishwoman then?"
"I think," said Theo, looking between Julian and Janice, "that if she wants to act like an Englishwoman, she's picked out her model already. I'm just the guy who gets her coffee."
Jasper nodded sagely. "Good to know your place anyway. I'm the guy who makes curries and samosas for Janice and keeps her sexually satisfied."
Jasper laughed out loud at his own words while Janice just rolled her eyes. Theo smiled but looked at his hands, shy. Julian smiled at him but he didn't see.
They told more jokes and stories, discussed past and future careers, past and present presidents and prime ministers. Julian and Theo said no thanks to the offered drugs, since they both had class the next morning, but Julian drank more than she normally would, at first because she was nervous and later because she was comfortable. She was sad to leave when the time came to catch their bus, sad to go out in the cold, afraid she wouldn't feel this warmth again the next time she saw Janice.
Thursday, December 9th
But when she went to her office hours the next day Janice hugged her. "How long have you known him?" she asked.
"About a week. I didn't even fucking know he was a teacher."
Julian's words sounded louder and coarser than she meant them to – after all, this was her professor, and they were on campus now, not sharing a bottle of wine at someone's home – but Janice just laughed.
"Well, you were busy finding out other things about him. What are you thinking?"
Okay, professor, yeah, but she was the one asking, and who else was Julian going to tell? "That it's too early and too soon after Ritchie for me to call it love, but I can't help thinking that's what it is."
Janice nodded, looking her in the eyes. "It's early still," she agreed, "and maybe it's none of my business, but then again I can't help thinking you brought him there wanting some kind of…"
"Approval," Julian filled in, because she couldn't call it a blessing.
"All right. And I know it's not my place to give you that, but I'll just give you the opinion of an old married broad: he's cute, but more important than that he's kind. Hang on to this one." She squeezed Julian's hand and Julian squeezed back, feeling the tight happy squeeze in her chest at the same time.
"I will," she said. "I'll try."
2005
Saturday, December 10th
Janice and Jasper's place still smelled like grass, even though they'd stopped smoking in Julian's presence once the pregnancy was announced. She found she didn't mind the smell anymore – it was comfortable, like sitting on the old couch with its stuffing falling out. Familiar like Theo sitting next to her on the floor, leaning against her leg, twisting to smile up at her when he hoped he'd made her laugh. The place was still tiny, but it had stopped feeling cramped now that they were all used to being close to each other.
"If it's a girl," Jasper was saying, "you should name her Patti, for Patti Smith. I'd suggest naming her after Janice Joplin, but that could get confusing for all of us. If it's a boy, you should call him Keith."
Theo turned to look up at Julian, and she must have frowned from the way he looked at her, squeezed her knee and said, "It's better than Mick, isn't it?"
She laughed and squeezed Theo's shoulder, and he went back to playing with the cat. Julian liked seeing Theo from different angles. She liked the way he would sprawl out across different parts of this apartment. In the rest of the city he never seemed to relax and settle into himself the way he did here.
"Don't mind Jasper," said Janice, coming back from the kitchen. "He can't even do a decent job naming the pets. Give the baby a family name if you like. Theo's mum is Rose. That's a lovely name."
"My dad was a Horace though, and there's no way I'm giving that name to my son. No child should have to go through life with a name like Horace."
"Are your parents alive, Julian?" Janice asked.
"Yeah," she said, surprised. She didn't remember Theo talking about his parents during their visits here, and it was a little strange, wasn't it, that her professor knew more about Theo's family than her own? But Julian hadn't been around for every conversation between them, she knew that. "Yeah, they live in New York. Um, their names are Mike and Sylvia. I don't really think –"
"Julian's parents are Republicans," Jasper said, interrupting, and Julian thought she felt Theo tense under her hand. Well, it wasn't like it was a secret, but again it was strange, to think of him talking about her and her family while she wasn't there.
"That's not –"
"And even if they weren't," Jasper continued, as if Julian hadn't spoken, "I still say you shouldn't name babies after people you know personally. It's a little easier if they're dead or they live in another part of the world, but it's still confusing, gets everybody's heads twisting around and is easily avoided by naming children after the artists who inspire us but won't be showing up at any family gatherings."
"Well," said Janice, "if you want to insist on an artist, what about Dylan? Now there's someone who can really inspire you. A couple of someones, actually."
Theo nodded slowly. "Rage against the dying of the light," he murmured.
Julian imagined whispering Dylan against a newborn's skin, calling it across a playground, teaching a child to trace those five letters. She smiled.
"You've still got time to decide anyhow," said Janice. "Don't let anyone pressure you into anything." She laughed, giving Jasper a quick kiss on the mouth, and added, "Least of all this one."
On the way back the lower deck of the bus was full, but as soon as they stepped on two different men stood up to offer Julian their seat. Julian thought the politeness was a little over-the-top, but she smiled and thanked them before leading Theo up the stairs. The top deck only had an old couple and a few teenagers, and Julian and Theo felt free to act like teenagers themselves.
Julian sat by the window and Theo climbed up on top of the aisle seat, crowding her, leaning over her, shielding her from the eyes of the others even as he slipped a hand under her coat and a few layers of shirts. He had to get to her skin, winter clothes be damned.
"Stop it," she said, laughing.
He kissed her mouth. One hand touched the side of her face and the other rubbed over her belly.
"If you're going to fondle me in public," she whispered when her mouth was free, "at least touch my breasts like a normal sex maniac."
"Mmm, I can't help myself, you're so sexy when you get that maternal glow."
Julian pulled his hand out of her clothes and said, "Not now."
"When I get you alone though."
"You can be as perverse as you want once we get home," Julian agreed.
For the rest of the trip they put their energy into making out, and it was so much fun, the kissing itself and the knowing how much it bothered the old couple and the teenagers both, that they got lost track of the streets and missed their stop. Julian was the one who realized first and, laughing, pushed him off her and dragged him down the stairs. Once they got off they had six blocks to walk instead of two.
Julian picked up the mail when they entered the building and sorted through it as they climbed the stairs. It was mostly advertisements for food and computers and security systems, plus a few bills in their plain white envelopes.
"Leave those alone for now," said Theo. They'd just come through the door of the flat and he was already trying to pull off her clothes at the same time as he pulled her over to the couch.
"You made me some promises on the bus. I hope you're not planning on backing out of them."
Julian was just about to surrender when she realized that the last envelope wasn't a bill at all but a notice from the Immigration and Nationality Directorate.
"I need to look at this one," she said.
"It's just paperwork," Theo complained against her neck, "you can deal with it later."
"I won't be able to enjoy myself until I can put this aside," she said, even though she was enjoying herself, and she arched her back and neck for a moment to feel the way he pressed against her.
"Then put it aside already!"
Julian turned around and gave all her attention to kissing him for the next little while, but when she pulled away the envelope was still in her hand and, no, she couldn't quite stand to put it down.
She tore across the top, took out the single sheet of paper, and read it quickly, silently.
Then she sat down on the couch – or possibly fell. "I think I need a glass of water," she said.
Theo was crouching in front of her, holding her hands, taking the letter from her. All the playfulness, the pleasure gone. "Is that all? Should I get you a doctor as well?"
"No," she said faintly, "just some water, and maybe a lawyer."
When he brought it to her he said, "We figured this might happen. You can't renew a student visa if you're not taking classes."
"And you can't take classes when you're busy having a baby. I thought it would work. I'm still a student. It's just a semester's leave of absence… Thank you for the water."
"Anything you need." He paused. "This doesn't have to be a problem, Julian."
"Just because it –" She stopped speaking when she realized he was kneeling in front of her again, this time on one knee.
She thought about paperwork, about waiting in lines and flying across the Atlantic with this heavy, uncooperative body. She thought about making things easier and said, "Okay."
"It's better if you let me say the words."
"Don't. Just... When can we do this?"
A few minutes later Theo had Jasper on the phone. Jasper, who knew everybody, would find them a registrar and a minister, would make this happen in a week. Jasper and Janice would serve as witnesses, and they'd do it joyfully. He asked Theo to put Julian on the phone.
"Congratulations," Jasper said.
Julian hung up on him.
"Just think," Theo tried, "we're lucky this is even an option. We could be gay, and then where would we be?"
"Not pregnant," Julian deadpanned.
Theo frowned. "Fair enough."
"We said we didn't need this to know we were committed to each other."
"So we don't need it but the government does. We can still celebrate."
"I'm not gonna celebrate being forced into marriage."
"What, were you planning on leaving me?" His voice took on an edge of anger.
"Don't be an asshole, Theo, that's not what this is about."
"It doesn't have to be about that unless –"
"If I'm gonna get married it's gonna be because –"
"What, because you're in love?" he half-shouted, standing up and starting to pace. "Because you want to spend the rest of your life with this guy? If these things aren't true then maybe you'd be happier in America after all."
"Fuck you," Julian said, keeping her voice low so she wouldn't be shouting too.
"Look, we're gonna do this, right? You're right, we don't have a choice. We have to do this. But we do get to choose whether it's something we celebrate for the rest of our lives or something that makes us angry."
"I'm not choosing to be angry. I just am."
"Okay, so…"
Julian stood up.
"No, listen to me. We weren't planning to have a baby either, were we?"
"Don't," she said. She would have said, Don't use that against me, but she was afraid she'd start crying.
"We could have said it was being forced on us –"
"Forced on me." Just like everything else. Theo's us was really starting to get on her nerves. He wasn't the one who had to carry it around, who had to feel it in his body every day, had to try to keep up with school through all of it, and in a foreign country where they don't even want me –
"Or we could have gotten rid of it, that was a choice we had. But we realized this could be a blessing, right?"
Julian shook her head. "Don't," she said again. "I can't argue about this right now."
She walked to the bedroom, wishing she could move faster, and even though she knew it was immature, she slammed the door. She lay down on the bed. She would have tried to throw up but she knew it would just make her feel worse and force her to get up.
When she heard Theo's voice again she was glad that he wasn't trying to talk to her. He called Jasper again. He called their friend Nirmala, who was an immigration solicitor. He called Tim and Susan and Sonia. He called her doctor, called his mom. Julian cried quietly and then started to doze off. When he knocked on the door she'd been alone for almost an hour. She was thirsty and had a mild headache. He brought her another glass of water and she sat up in bed to drink it. He lay down next to her.
"I'd like to try the proposal thing again," he said. "Take you out to some swanky restaurant and hire some violinists or something. Have a diamond ring on top of the desert.
Julian laughed and shook her head. "Don't bother. We need to save our money for diapers and baby food."
"I always did like your sense of practicality." He paused. "I'm sorry it happened this way, Julian. I'm sorry it's not on our terms."
"It never is, it's never gonna be." She took his hand and said, "I'd kiss you, but my mouth still feels kind of gross." Theo chuckled. He stroked her hair. She could have told him to stop, because it was distracting, but it was also nice. "Um. I don't want to go back to the States."
"I know that –"
"I'm not sure I want to live in London forever either but… I am glad we're having this baby. I do want to spend the rest of my life with you. And I know I'm not going to turn into my mother. I shouldn't even be worried about that…"
"I really don't think it's a danger," Theo agreed. "I love you."
"I love you too, Theo." She smiled and spoke softly, "Will you marry me?"
"Yes. Yes, I'd be delighted to."
Instead of kissing her he just sat closer and put his arm behind her, and she leaned on his shoulder. "I love you," she said again, "but I'm not wearing a white dress."
2006
Sunday, December 17th
They had a small and somewhat silly ceremony on the 17th, and Julian wore a blue dress – there were only a few things she could comfortably wear in those days anyway. Getting ready to go out on the street for their first wedding anniversary Julian was glad of the option to wear jeans – with long underwear underneath and a heavy coat on top. Dylan was wrapped up in so many layers that he was like a big, heavy ball of blankets in her arms.
Jasper had offered to take care of Dylan for the night so that Theo and Julian could go off somewhere and have lots of loud, carefree sex followed by a long night's sleep, but they said they'd take a rain check, they wanted to be together as a family today, and being part of a crowd was still one of their favorite ways of doing that.
Julian wasn't much of an activist these days, or much of anything she'd ever planned to be. She kept in touch with people via the Internet and did some writing, hoped it helped. She still went to speeches and organizational meetings as often as she could, but she no longer felt like she fit in there. She never had her hands or her thoughts free, and the others knew it. No one ever told her not to come, but she could feel it, that she made them uncomfortable. They were afraid all the time that the baby would start crying and disrupt their work. And sometimes he did. Sometimes Julian cried too, and sometimes she wished she'd never let this happen, any of it. She'd dream, whether she was sleeping or not, that she was at home, walking the sidewalks of New York, with a college degree and a job and much more flattering clothes, nothing in the world to weigh her down. Instead she'd stayed home from a second semester of classes, and half the time going out just made her feel worse, more cut off.
But that wasn't how it was on days like today. Dylan liked being carried on a walk much better than lying still, and even when he cried he was one more loud and angry person in a street that was packed with them. Strangers smiled at them, other mothers especially, but men and teenagers too. On days like today Julian understood that even if she wasn't from here, she was welcome.
Janice drove them there – Theo and Julian didn't have their own car, but they got out the carseat Julian's parents had bought when they came to visit in the summer. Out on the street, Janice wanted to take a picture and they decided they could unwind one of Dylan's scarves to show more of his face. Julian and Theo both looked at him, and the loving smile on Theo's face was one more reminder that this was good, this wasn't the life she'd ever planned on, but she was glad this was her life.
Afterwards Janice took them out to the house in the country, and Julian went quiet in the back seat as Dylan quickly fell asleep next to her. Up in front, Theo asked Janice why Jasper hadn't come along today.
Janice sighed. "I have the hardest time trying to get him to come to London for anything these days, even if it's to see his favorite people."
"Or to march against a war he hates."
"Right. He'll tell you it's the weather, of course. Or the pollution, or the noise, or the crowds. I suppose it's all of that."
"Can't say I blame him for that," said Theo. "If you've got a job that you can do from home, you might as well do it there. God knows I wouldn't mind skipping the bus ride to work every day."
Try spending a year without a job to go to, Julian thought, but she didn't say anything, and Janice just said, "I still worry."
From all the heavy sighs and silences along the ride, Julian expected to find Jasper holed up in some corner of the house, his mood dark and despondent. Instead they pulled up to find him standing outside in the snow, wearing a bright rainbow-colored scarf but no coat, hopping from foot to foot to keep warm, and grinning.
"Bambino!" he called out across the yard. "So good to have you here again!"
Dylan was squealing and waving his arms so much that Julian had trouble holding on to him. He probably didn't really know where he was, Julian thought, but he'd relaxed so easily in the car it was as if he knew he was on his way to somewhere, something, someone he liked.
"My little bambino," said Jasper, close enough now to give Dylan a kiss, to hold out his hands and let Dylan grab his fingers. "How've they been treating you, these parents of yours? Do they spend as much time dancing as we do out here? Or are you too cramped in your little city flat? You need to spend more time out here in the country so you have room to dance."
"Oh, we dance plenty," said Julian, laughing.
"If there weren't room at our place then Dylan would make room," Theo added.
"Da!" said Dylan.
"I'm not your Dada, bambino, that's this other fellow who came with you."
Julian shook her head. "Theo's 'pa'."
"I think 'da' might be his first attempt at Jasper," said Theo.
"I could get used to that. What do you think, Janice? He could use the same name for both of us."
"Sounds good to me, but let's just get inside before we work any more on his speech development. It's freezing out here."
They spent the whole afternoon talking, dancing, singing, falling down and laughing. Janice took her turn holding him, smiling when she could make him smile, but Julian had never known anyone besides her and Theo – not even his mother or her parents, babysitters they occasionally paid to take care of him – to be as happily engaged, entertaining the boy and entertained by him, hour after hour, as Jasper. When Dylan tired and cried, Jasper didn't hesitate to pick him up and do his best to comfort him. He wouldn't really calm down unless he was with Julian or Theo, but then he cried again when they got up to leave and Jasper said goodbye.
"It was wonderful to see you again," said Julian. "Good night."
"No," said Jasper, shaking his head, "that's next week."
"Sorry?"
"Christmas Eve, in Spanish they call it la nochebuena…"
"Jasper spent two months in Nicaragua in the eighties," said Janice, "and I think he learned about ten words in that time, but he uses them any chance he gets."
"Don't make fun of me," said Jasper, "I'm trying to raise Dylan as a citizen of the world. Good night, amigos. Have a safe trip back to your poisonous city."
They hugged and said happy Christmas and happy anniversary, and Jasper stayed in the doorway while the others went out. It was dark by then, and colder, and Theo looked almost as tired as Dylan, so the two of them rode in back this time and Julian took shotgun.
"Well," said Janice, "that's the happiest I've seen Jasper since your last visit. Perhaps if we could convince the three of you to move out here then I wouldn't have to worry so much."
It was something they'd bring up every once in a while, Jasper more often but sometimes Janice as well. Theo and Julian tended to treat it as a joke – Theo's school was in central London, after all, and he had to be there five days a week. And Julian would go crazy if she couldn't go for a walk and see some strangers every day. But Janice sounded sad now, as sad as she'd said Jasper was feeling. "Would you really want a baby in the house all the time?" said Julian.
"Oh, I think I could handle it – especially if the rest of you would change his nappies, and I could just play a bit of peek-a-boo from time to time, and join in your dance parties."
Julian hesitated before asking a question that had been on her mind for a good two years now. "Have you and Jasper ever wanted to have children?" When Janice didn't answer at once she added, "I hope you don't mind my asking."
"No, no, it's all right." Janice's eyes were on the road, lit only by the stars and her headlights. "We've thought about it, yes, I suppose every couple does. We've talked about it, as I believe every couple should…"
Julian looked straight ahead as well. Janice had always had this way of making pronouncements. They weren't targeted at Julian or at anyone in particular, but since Julian measured herself against her mentor she couldn't stop herself from, well, judging. She and Theo hadn't talked about having children until after she'd found out she was pregnant. Then again, they hadn't known each other for all that long then.
If Janice noticed that Julian was embarrassed she didn't show it. "We used to talk about it more, when we were both younger, and he wanted… We wanted to have children at some point. But my career's always been very important to me, I think you know that."
"Of course."
Janice laughed softly. "When I started out there were a lot of men that thought I wouldn't amount to much. It always made me laugh that the one bloke who was willing to take me seriously was the cartoonist."
Julian laughed too, but her throat and her smile felt tight.
"But he always did. And when I said I couldn't start having babies yet because it would get in the way of the work I wanted to do, he respected that. Of course, the problem with saying you're not ready to sacrifice your career yet is that it doesn't magically become easy to take a few years off once you've become successful."
"Maybe getting knocked up at twenty-one really was the best thing for me then."
"When I see your baby in your arms I sure think so."
Julian twisted around to look at the boys in the back seat. Both had their eyes closed and a peaceful look on their face, but Theo's hand reached across to grasp Dylan's. They wouldn't let each other go.
Janice sighed. "You can't think I'm judging you, can you?"
"Oh, I can't help it." Julian's voice was cracking. She kept looking back. Theo didn't open his eyes.
"Look," said Janice, "when I met you, you were an overly ambitious and idealistic exchange student who asked a lot of questions in office hours. Maybe you would have made a good journalist. Maybe you still will someday, I don't know. It's not important to me whether you decide on the same career that I did. What I know is that you're a terrific mother and a terrific human being. I truly hope you don't think I'd consider that a disappointment."
Julian shook her head, but she couldn't speak. She turned around to face forward again, and Janice briefly laid a hand on hers.
"As for me," Janice said, "I'm not quite forty, I could probably still have a baby. Jasper's older though, so you worry about a child losing his father when he's still young. That part, not wanting to leave a child alone, goes along with the feeling we always had that we didn't deserve to have children."
"I don't understand," said Julian. "Who would have done a better job?"
Janice shook her head. "No, it's not that someone else deserves them more. Just this feeling that…well, of all the things gone wrong with the world, half of them are connected to overpopulation, aren't they? And in our circle of friends… or the circle of friends we had ten years ago, it was considered somewhat selfish to bring more children into the world. I look at you three though and I…I can't say I regret the choices I made, but you make me wonder what another kind of life would have been like."
They'd made it to the suburbs by then. The lights by the highway had made the stars dim.
"I guess we'll always make each other feel that way," said Julian.
"Maybe so. No regrets though, all right? I'd hate to think that being around me made you unhappy."
"Of course not," Julian said immediately. And added, laughing, "Just because I cry every other time I see you…"
"I know, I know. It means you trust me. It's the same way for me, just without the tears."
"Okay. Thank you, Janice. I'm with you. No regrets."
Part 2 (2007-2009)
Title: Into That Good Night (part 1)
Author: Sophinisba
Fandom: Children of Men (the movie)
Starring: Julian and Theo
Rating: PG-13
Words: 16,137
Summary: Julian and Theo in that beautiful time when people refused to admit the future was just around the corner.
Warnings: Canon character death, no happy ending
Notes: Written for
krabapple for yuletide 2007. Thanks to claudia603 for the beta. The title and a line of dialogue come from the Dylan Thomas poem "Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night". The song Theo sings is Bob Dylan's "When the Ship Comes In".2004
Wednesday, December 1st
It was the first day of December, but it felt good to be outside. The cold was invigorating, especially if you were walking against the wind.
Julian marched arm in arm with a woman and a man whose names she didn't know, chanting slogans, feeling the wind in her hair, feeling strong and connected.
She'd spent far too much of the last week crying over being alone, but she was done with that now. Being without a boyfriend didn't make her alone. Being in a couple – being tied down to someone like Ritchie, who couldn't even understand why she'd been crying so much ever since November 3rd – just kept her cut off from the rest of the world. What she had today was far better.
By the time they poured out into Trafalgar Square there was already a crowd of over a thousand gathered around the low platform where a man she didn't recognize was making a speech she'd heard far too many times before, complaining that Tony Blair was in bed with George Bush. Julian immediately started to miss the mindless chanting and blowing whistles. A frail old woman wandering around the inner edge of the crowd was adding to her sense of unease.
The woman's mouth was moving as she raised a weak fist in the air. Then she looked like she was trying to climb up onto the platform with the speaker, who ignored her and her difficulty. She's ill, Julian thought, she's crazy and any minute she'll start raving and break up the speech. Not that it was a speech Julian much wanted to hear, but she liked things to go according to plan – even protests that were meant to disrupt someone else's plan.
The woman did make it up onto the platform then, but at once she lost her balance and started to fall, and above or below all the other noise of the day Julian thought she heard a low moan, resigned, like a sigh, as if she knew she was lost. A little cry of distress went up from the crowd, but only one person stepped forward and caught her.
The crowd moved a little to open up a space for the two of them to walk away, and the speech went on. Julian tried to follow the old woman and her rescuer with her eyes, and when other bodies got in the way she let go of the people she'd marched with and quietly started weaving her own way out. It was awkward because they were so tightly packed, and by the time she was standing free and alone she could see that the young man was as well. He stood next to a park bench, arms folded across his chest, frowning at the speaker. As Julian walked toward him she called out, "Was she all right?"
He turned to her, surprised. Apparently he hadn't noticed her approaching. "As far as I can tell. One minute she was leaning on me like she couldn't stand on her own and the next she'd hopped off and got on a bus. By the time I'd figured out she was leaving she was already gone."
"Thank you for helping her."
"Is she a friend of yours?"
Julian shook her head. "I was just worried."
He shrugged slightly, still watching the crowd. "Good thing there aren't too many people today, we'd have been crushed."
"Were you at the protest on October 14th?"
"Of course. Everyone and his brother was there on October 14th, it was incredible, like some kind of world party. Even the Americans came out then."
Julian smirked. "How do you know I'm not Canadian?"
"From the guilty look on your face."
She laughed. "Fair enough." She'd been feeling guilty ever since she got to England in September – even worse since the election – and she knew sometimes it showed. It was, to be honest, one of her prime motivators for coming out to the rallies. The need to let people know she hated Bush's war was stronger since she'd failed, with her uncounted absentee ballot, to get rid of him.
They stared at each other, neither one quite knowing what to say but not ready to be done talking either. "Do you want to grab a cup of coffee or something?" he asked.
She did, but she hesitated, glancing back at the mass of people she'd been so happy to be part of not half an hour ago.
"After the rally's over, I mean," he added quickly. "Wouldn't want to take anything away from – Oh, shit."
"What is it?"
He was patting at the pockets of his coat, then his jeans. "She, oh, she took my wallet!"
"Who, the woman you –"
"Yes, the helpless old bag I rescued from the mob of rabble-rousers... Oh, I can't believe this. I've just met the most beautiful girl I've ever seen and now she knows I'm an idiot."
Julian couldn't help laughing. He clearly was truly embarrassed, and yet he continued to flirt. "I don't think you're an idiot."
"Idiotic, gullible, and a show-off. Oh yeah, and broke."
"Well, I fell for it just as much as you did."
He shook his head. "Con artist probably goes to protests figuring she'll run into a bunch of overly trusting bleeding-hearts..."
"But only found one, apparently."
"And one is enough. I, uh. I should go, I think, I need to go report this." He looked around, as if unsure who he needed to report it to. There were several police officers standing nearby, but they looked like their job was to keep the protesters from getting out of hand. Not the most approachable, with their guns and their riot clubs.
Julian said, "Do you want me to go with you? I can be your witness…or at least make sure you have bus fare."
He considered this. "No, thanks. I do want to talk to you some more, but preferably not at a police station. And I've got my bike here, so don't worry about me getting home. It was nice meeting you."
She nodded, smiled, and held out her hand. "My name's Julian."
"Theo," he said, shaking it. "Do you live here or are you just –"
"Yeah, I'm here for the school year."
"So I might see you again?"
"That depends. Will you come to the Anti-War Coalition meeting on Saturday?"
"If you'll be there, then yeah." He looked straight at her when he said it, as if he'd forgotten to be embarrassed again, and Julian rolled her eyes, but she couldn't deny her heart had sped up.
Saturday, December 4th
The meeting was held at seven AM in a basement bar that wouldn't see customers until nightfall. The place couldn't be very cheerful in any light, but in early morning it looked especially rundown, and the stale smell of alcohol and cigarettes made Julian feel vaguely ill. That, the fact that their special invited speaker was going on about a lot of things everyone already knew, and the fact that Theo wasn't there all made her wish she'd slept in this Saturday morning.
Theo made it in twenty minutes past the hour, carrying two paper cups with coffee. Julian was sitting in the second row and he had to step over three other people to get to the seat next to her, which she'd saved. She noticed that his coffee was black whereas hers had just the amount of cream she liked and only a little too much sugar. Later she'd have to ask him how he knew.
Five minutes later she felt his foot knock against hers. In the next few minutes it happened a second and a third time, and soon enough she started kicking back, just as a way to relieve the boredom. She had to bite her lip to keep from giggling.
She was relieved when the speeches were over and they got down to the business of assigning tasks and volunteers for what needed to be accomplished by the following week. That part took very little time, and soon the meeting broke up and most of the others shuffled out and up the stairs.
Julian hung around with a few of the organizers to help put the chairs and tables back in place and pick up paper plates and cups. Theo stayed as well. The two of them grabbed opposite ends of the long table and lifted.
"I think you're corrupting me," she told him.
"What do you mean? You're the one who's got me involved in underground activities."
"The AWC is a legally registered organization," said Rajeev. Julian hadn't realized anyone else was listening.
"All right," said Theo, "but you can't deny we're hiding in a basement." He gestured around at the bar.
"It's just a temporary space."
"Lighten up, Rajeev," said Julian, but he turned away without answering.
When they'd set the table back in its place another table caught Theo's eye.
"Is that a foosball table?"
"Looks like."
"You're acting like you don't care," said Theo, "but you want to give it a try, I can tell."
"You mean you think I've never played this game before?"
"Not with the likes of me you haven't."
Julian looked back to see whether the others were ready to leave, but they'd gotten into their own form of competition, arguing about short- and long-term goals. They wouldn't be breaking up anytime soon. She tossed the little white ball into the center and hit.
The game was intense from the start, with Theo putting not only hands but legs and shoulders into it. He could keep three bars and their men spinning at the same time – which was not to say that he was in control of all of them. The first two times he hit the ball out of the table it went flying halfway across the room. Theo ran to bring it back. The third time she was the one who hit it out, and Theo caught it in his hand, and the look on his face was so smug that Julian felt the need to tell him, "I can do that. You think I can't do that?"
She'd already won a game by then, and rather than keep on with a second one they made a new game, punching the ball into the air on purpose to see who could catch it. At one point it hit Theo hard in the cheek. He shouted, affecting to be gravely injured, but half laughing all the time. The next time the ball flew close to Julian's face, she caught it in her mouth. Theo pointed and laughed out loud, his face open in a way she hadn't seen it before. She decided she wanted to keep playing this game.
Only when she got home she wondered why she thought she had time for games.
They'd made plans to get together on Monday afternoon, and then Julian spent the rest of the weekend deciding how she was going to tell him… Well, she couldn't exactly tell him she didn't want to be with him anymore, since they weren't seeing each other yet, but she made plans to cut this off before it got any farther.
Monday, Dec. 6th
They got to sit and talk in an actual coffee shop this time, one with fair trade coffee, vegan baked goods, and friendly people. They laughed over small talk and cream and sugar, and Julian hesitated to wreck the mood, but she knew putting it off wouldn't help any.
"I just got out of a relationship a little while ago," she said. "That was my decision and I think it was the right decision. I'm still in classes – going into finals, actually – and I'm in this movement and I'm...I don't mean this to be insulting, but –"
"But you're not playing around," said Theo. "You don't have time for that."
"Yeah." She'd had the feeling from the moment she met him that he got her. Funny to have him agreeing with her about her reasons for not going out with him, of all things. But it made it easier to keep talking. "I don't take a stack of flyers because I think it'll be fun to stand on the street with a guy like you and chat while we hand them out, or because I get off on the excitement at protests."
His smile was small, lopsided, closed-lipped. "And you think that's why I'm here?"
Well, it was why he'd said he'd come.
"I understand," he said, though she hadn't answered him. "How about this: if you ever realize that my company is keeping you from doing what you need to do, or if my making fun of the wankers in your legally registered protest organization keeps you from taking the cause itself seriously, then I'll consider that a legitimate reason for you to stop seeing me. But don't decide I'm a moral zero with no commitment to anything of real value just because I like a game of foosball once in a while."
Then she found out he'd done his homework – had distributed all the flyers he'd promised to on Saturday and, more impressively, written up copy for some better ones. She made a few suggestions. They argued, productively, and made some changes, and then he said, "It's not a zero-sum game, you know."
"What?"
"If you start to care about someone else, it doesn't mean you'll care less about Iraq, or about anything else."
"I know that," Julian said. She did, she'd known that all along, but it was still good to have it said out loud.
Wednesday, December 8th
Theo met Julian at the library at seven on Wednesday night. The flat they were going to wasn't close to his or Julian's but it was a straight shot from campus by public transport.
"You're nervous, aren't you? I don't think I've seen you nervous before."
"Her opinion means a lot to me," Julian explained.
"I guess I should be more nervous then, if you're trusting me to make a good impression."
Julian walked ahead, not meeting his eyes. "Well, I'm pretty sure you'll make a better impression than Ritchie, so it's not that much of a gamble, really." And if she does hate you, Julian didn't say, then at least I'll know. A kind of What would Janice do? attitude had helped her make up her mind to end it with Ritchie. And if things went badly tonight, that could help her with another decision.
A man's voice answered the buzzer and let them in, but Janice was the one who opened the door. "Welcome," she said, smiling wider than Julian had ever seen her in class. She held out her hand for Theo to shake and said, "I'm Janice Palmer and I'm so pleased you're not Ritchie," causing Julian to laugh out loud.
"Theo Faron, and the feeling is entirely mutual."
At first Julian couldn't believe how small the apartment was and how…dingy. It was just one bedroom, smaller than the place Julian shared with another foreign student, and it smelled worse. Well, unless you liked the smell of curry mixed with marijuana.
Both smells got stronger as you crossed the short distance to the kitchen, where a man with slightly graying long hair was attempting to sing and dance and smoke and taste the sauce all at the same time.
"How are you two with spices?" he enquired. "Can you take the heat, or do I need to make a separate batch for you? Ah, is that Rioja?" He took the wine Theo had brought. "Excellent. I'm Jasper, by the way."
Julian had met Janice's husband just once before and, though she wouldn't say so, had a little trouble understanding what a brilliant woman like her was doing with an immature layabout like him. But then, she'd been dating Ritchie at the time, so she wasn't exactly in a position to throw stones.
She knew he was a political cartoonist and she'd seen his name and signature drawings. He was good at what he did, she supposed, but that wasn't anywhere near in the same league with what Janice did.
Janice was an adjunct professor in the journalism program at the university where Julian had come for her junior year, wanting to get some international perspective on her chosen career and, if truth be told, to spend more time with Ritchie, whom she'd met in New York.
Janice taught one class on photojournalism per semester – a practical one in the spring and a more theoretical one in the fall which, luckily for Julian, required a lot of reading and writing but not talent for taking actual photographs.
Janice wasn't the kind of person you ran into at a protest, unless she was there to document the police misconduct. She wasn't the kind of professor you told that you didn't manage to finish the homework because you'd been busy with planning a political event, as Julian had learned you could do with a few others. Janice had her own job that worked as its own kind of activism, and she made her two jobs work with none of them suffering. She scheduled the one class she taught for three hours once a week so that she'd have the other six for trips to the continent, and occasionally other continents.
Over dinner she asked Theo if he was a student too.
"Yes," he said, "I'm just finishing up a course for teaching secondary school, history and citizenship."
"Citizenship," Jasper repeated, amused. "Going to teach Julian how to be a good Englishwoman then?"
"I think," said Theo, looking between Julian and Janice, "that if she wants to act like an Englishwoman, she's picked out her model already. I'm just the guy who gets her coffee."
Jasper nodded sagely. "Good to know your place anyway. I'm the guy who makes curries and samosas for Janice and keeps her sexually satisfied."
Jasper laughed out loud at his own words while Janice just rolled her eyes. Theo smiled but looked at his hands, shy. Julian smiled at him but he didn't see.
They told more jokes and stories, discussed past and future careers, past and present presidents and prime ministers. Julian and Theo said no thanks to the offered drugs, since they both had class the next morning, but Julian drank more than she normally would, at first because she was nervous and later because she was comfortable. She was sad to leave when the time came to catch their bus, sad to go out in the cold, afraid she wouldn't feel this warmth again the next time she saw Janice.
Thursday, December 9th
But when she went to her office hours the next day Janice hugged her. "How long have you known him?" she asked.
"About a week. I didn't even fucking know he was a teacher."
Julian's words sounded louder and coarser than she meant them to – after all, this was her professor, and they were on campus now, not sharing a bottle of wine at someone's home – but Janice just laughed.
"Well, you were busy finding out other things about him. What are you thinking?"
Okay, professor, yeah, but she was the one asking, and who else was Julian going to tell? "That it's too early and too soon after Ritchie for me to call it love, but I can't help thinking that's what it is."
Janice nodded, looking her in the eyes. "It's early still," she agreed, "and maybe it's none of my business, but then again I can't help thinking you brought him there wanting some kind of…"
"Approval," Julian filled in, because she couldn't call it a blessing.
"All right. And I know it's not my place to give you that, but I'll just give you the opinion of an old married broad: he's cute, but more important than that he's kind. Hang on to this one." She squeezed Julian's hand and Julian squeezed back, feeling the tight happy squeeze in her chest at the same time.
"I will," she said. "I'll try."
2005
Saturday, December 10th
Janice and Jasper's place still smelled like grass, even though they'd stopped smoking in Julian's presence once the pregnancy was announced. She found she didn't mind the smell anymore – it was comfortable, like sitting on the old couch with its stuffing falling out. Familiar like Theo sitting next to her on the floor, leaning against her leg, twisting to smile up at her when he hoped he'd made her laugh. The place was still tiny, but it had stopped feeling cramped now that they were all used to being close to each other.
"If it's a girl," Jasper was saying, "you should name her Patti, for Patti Smith. I'd suggest naming her after Janice Joplin, but that could get confusing for all of us. If it's a boy, you should call him Keith."
Theo turned to look up at Julian, and she must have frowned from the way he looked at her, squeezed her knee and said, "It's better than Mick, isn't it?"
She laughed and squeezed Theo's shoulder, and he went back to playing with the cat. Julian liked seeing Theo from different angles. She liked the way he would sprawl out across different parts of this apartment. In the rest of the city he never seemed to relax and settle into himself the way he did here.
"Don't mind Jasper," said Janice, coming back from the kitchen. "He can't even do a decent job naming the pets. Give the baby a family name if you like. Theo's mum is Rose. That's a lovely name."
"My dad was a Horace though, and there's no way I'm giving that name to my son. No child should have to go through life with a name like Horace."
"Are your parents alive, Julian?" Janice asked.
"Yeah," she said, surprised. She didn't remember Theo talking about his parents during their visits here, and it was a little strange, wasn't it, that her professor knew more about Theo's family than her own? But Julian hadn't been around for every conversation between them, she knew that. "Yeah, they live in New York. Um, their names are Mike and Sylvia. I don't really think –"
"Julian's parents are Republicans," Jasper said, interrupting, and Julian thought she felt Theo tense under her hand. Well, it wasn't like it was a secret, but again it was strange, to think of him talking about her and her family while she wasn't there.
"That's not –"
"And even if they weren't," Jasper continued, as if Julian hadn't spoken, "I still say you shouldn't name babies after people you know personally. It's a little easier if they're dead or they live in another part of the world, but it's still confusing, gets everybody's heads twisting around and is easily avoided by naming children after the artists who inspire us but won't be showing up at any family gatherings."
"Well," said Janice, "if you want to insist on an artist, what about Dylan? Now there's someone who can really inspire you. A couple of someones, actually."
Theo nodded slowly. "Rage against the dying of the light," he murmured.
Julian imagined whispering Dylan against a newborn's skin, calling it across a playground, teaching a child to trace those five letters. She smiled.
"You've still got time to decide anyhow," said Janice. "Don't let anyone pressure you into anything." She laughed, giving Jasper a quick kiss on the mouth, and added, "Least of all this one."
On the way back the lower deck of the bus was full, but as soon as they stepped on two different men stood up to offer Julian their seat. Julian thought the politeness was a little over-the-top, but she smiled and thanked them before leading Theo up the stairs. The top deck only had an old couple and a few teenagers, and Julian and Theo felt free to act like teenagers themselves.
Julian sat by the window and Theo climbed up on top of the aisle seat, crowding her, leaning over her, shielding her from the eyes of the others even as he slipped a hand under her coat and a few layers of shirts. He had to get to her skin, winter clothes be damned.
"Stop it," she said, laughing.
He kissed her mouth. One hand touched the side of her face and the other rubbed over her belly.
"If you're going to fondle me in public," she whispered when her mouth was free, "at least touch my breasts like a normal sex maniac."
"Mmm, I can't help myself, you're so sexy when you get that maternal glow."
Julian pulled his hand out of her clothes and said, "Not now."
"When I get you alone though."
"You can be as perverse as you want once we get home," Julian agreed.
For the rest of the trip they put their energy into making out, and it was so much fun, the kissing itself and the knowing how much it bothered the old couple and the teenagers both, that they got lost track of the streets and missed their stop. Julian was the one who realized first and, laughing, pushed him off her and dragged him down the stairs. Once they got off they had six blocks to walk instead of two.
Julian picked up the mail when they entered the building and sorted through it as they climbed the stairs. It was mostly advertisements for food and computers and security systems, plus a few bills in their plain white envelopes.
"Leave those alone for now," said Theo. They'd just come through the door of the flat and he was already trying to pull off her clothes at the same time as he pulled her over to the couch.
"You made me some promises on the bus. I hope you're not planning on backing out of them."
Julian was just about to surrender when she realized that the last envelope wasn't a bill at all but a notice from the Immigration and Nationality Directorate.
"I need to look at this one," she said.
"It's just paperwork," Theo complained against her neck, "you can deal with it later."
"I won't be able to enjoy myself until I can put this aside," she said, even though she was enjoying herself, and she arched her back and neck for a moment to feel the way he pressed against her.
"Then put it aside already!"
Julian turned around and gave all her attention to kissing him for the next little while, but when she pulled away the envelope was still in her hand and, no, she couldn't quite stand to put it down.
She tore across the top, took out the single sheet of paper, and read it quickly, silently.
Then she sat down on the couch – or possibly fell. "I think I need a glass of water," she said.
Theo was crouching in front of her, holding her hands, taking the letter from her. All the playfulness, the pleasure gone. "Is that all? Should I get you a doctor as well?"
"No," she said faintly, "just some water, and maybe a lawyer."
When he brought it to her he said, "We figured this might happen. You can't renew a student visa if you're not taking classes."
"And you can't take classes when you're busy having a baby. I thought it would work. I'm still a student. It's just a semester's leave of absence… Thank you for the water."
"Anything you need." He paused. "This doesn't have to be a problem, Julian."
"Just because it –" She stopped speaking when she realized he was kneeling in front of her again, this time on one knee.
She thought about paperwork, about waiting in lines and flying across the Atlantic with this heavy, uncooperative body. She thought about making things easier and said, "Okay."
"It's better if you let me say the words."
"Don't. Just... When can we do this?"
A few minutes later Theo had Jasper on the phone. Jasper, who knew everybody, would find them a registrar and a minister, would make this happen in a week. Jasper and Janice would serve as witnesses, and they'd do it joyfully. He asked Theo to put Julian on the phone.
"Congratulations," Jasper said.
Julian hung up on him.
"Just think," Theo tried, "we're lucky this is even an option. We could be gay, and then where would we be?"
"Not pregnant," Julian deadpanned.
Theo frowned. "Fair enough."
"We said we didn't need this to know we were committed to each other."
"So we don't need it but the government does. We can still celebrate."
"I'm not gonna celebrate being forced into marriage."
"What, were you planning on leaving me?" His voice took on an edge of anger.
"Don't be an asshole, Theo, that's not what this is about."
"It doesn't have to be about that unless –"
"If I'm gonna get married it's gonna be because –"
"What, because you're in love?" he half-shouted, standing up and starting to pace. "Because you want to spend the rest of your life with this guy? If these things aren't true then maybe you'd be happier in America after all."
"Fuck you," Julian said, keeping her voice low so she wouldn't be shouting too.
"Look, we're gonna do this, right? You're right, we don't have a choice. We have to do this. But we do get to choose whether it's something we celebrate for the rest of our lives or something that makes us angry."
"I'm not choosing to be angry. I just am."
"Okay, so…"
Julian stood up.
"No, listen to me. We weren't planning to have a baby either, were we?"
"Don't," she said. She would have said, Don't use that against me, but she was afraid she'd start crying.
"We could have said it was being forced on us –"
"Forced on me." Just like everything else. Theo's us was really starting to get on her nerves. He wasn't the one who had to carry it around, who had to feel it in his body every day, had to try to keep up with school through all of it, and in a foreign country where they don't even want me –
"Or we could have gotten rid of it, that was a choice we had. But we realized this could be a blessing, right?"
Julian shook her head. "Don't," she said again. "I can't argue about this right now."
She walked to the bedroom, wishing she could move faster, and even though she knew it was immature, she slammed the door. She lay down on the bed. She would have tried to throw up but she knew it would just make her feel worse and force her to get up.
When she heard Theo's voice again she was glad that he wasn't trying to talk to her. He called Jasper again. He called their friend Nirmala, who was an immigration solicitor. He called Tim and Susan and Sonia. He called her doctor, called his mom. Julian cried quietly and then started to doze off. When he knocked on the door she'd been alone for almost an hour. She was thirsty and had a mild headache. He brought her another glass of water and she sat up in bed to drink it. He lay down next to her.
"I'd like to try the proposal thing again," he said. "Take you out to some swanky restaurant and hire some violinists or something. Have a diamond ring on top of the desert.
Julian laughed and shook her head. "Don't bother. We need to save our money for diapers and baby food."
"I always did like your sense of practicality." He paused. "I'm sorry it happened this way, Julian. I'm sorry it's not on our terms."
"It never is, it's never gonna be." She took his hand and said, "I'd kiss you, but my mouth still feels kind of gross." Theo chuckled. He stroked her hair. She could have told him to stop, because it was distracting, but it was also nice. "Um. I don't want to go back to the States."
"I know that –"
"I'm not sure I want to live in London forever either but… I am glad we're having this baby. I do want to spend the rest of my life with you. And I know I'm not going to turn into my mother. I shouldn't even be worried about that…"
"I really don't think it's a danger," Theo agreed. "I love you."
"I love you too, Theo." She smiled and spoke softly, "Will you marry me?"
"Yes. Yes, I'd be delighted to."
Instead of kissing her he just sat closer and put his arm behind her, and she leaned on his shoulder. "I love you," she said again, "but I'm not wearing a white dress."
2006
Sunday, December 17th
They had a small and somewhat silly ceremony on the 17th, and Julian wore a blue dress – there were only a few things she could comfortably wear in those days anyway. Getting ready to go out on the street for their first wedding anniversary Julian was glad of the option to wear jeans – with long underwear underneath and a heavy coat on top. Dylan was wrapped up in so many layers that he was like a big, heavy ball of blankets in her arms.
Jasper had offered to take care of Dylan for the night so that Theo and Julian could go off somewhere and have lots of loud, carefree sex followed by a long night's sleep, but they said they'd take a rain check, they wanted to be together as a family today, and being part of a crowd was still one of their favorite ways of doing that.
Julian wasn't much of an activist these days, or much of anything she'd ever planned to be. She kept in touch with people via the Internet and did some writing, hoped it helped. She still went to speeches and organizational meetings as often as she could, but she no longer felt like she fit in there. She never had her hands or her thoughts free, and the others knew it. No one ever told her not to come, but she could feel it, that she made them uncomfortable. They were afraid all the time that the baby would start crying and disrupt their work. And sometimes he did. Sometimes Julian cried too, and sometimes she wished she'd never let this happen, any of it. She'd dream, whether she was sleeping or not, that she was at home, walking the sidewalks of New York, with a college degree and a job and much more flattering clothes, nothing in the world to weigh her down. Instead she'd stayed home from a second semester of classes, and half the time going out just made her feel worse, more cut off.
But that wasn't how it was on days like today. Dylan liked being carried on a walk much better than lying still, and even when he cried he was one more loud and angry person in a street that was packed with them. Strangers smiled at them, other mothers especially, but men and teenagers too. On days like today Julian understood that even if she wasn't from here, she was welcome.
Janice drove them there – Theo and Julian didn't have their own car, but they got out the carseat Julian's parents had bought when they came to visit in the summer. Out on the street, Janice wanted to take a picture and they decided they could unwind one of Dylan's scarves to show more of his face. Julian and Theo both looked at him, and the loving smile on Theo's face was one more reminder that this was good, this wasn't the life she'd ever planned on, but she was glad this was her life.
Afterwards Janice took them out to the house in the country, and Julian went quiet in the back seat as Dylan quickly fell asleep next to her. Up in front, Theo asked Janice why Jasper hadn't come along today.
Janice sighed. "I have the hardest time trying to get him to come to London for anything these days, even if it's to see his favorite people."
"Or to march against a war he hates."
"Right. He'll tell you it's the weather, of course. Or the pollution, or the noise, or the crowds. I suppose it's all of that."
"Can't say I blame him for that," said Theo. "If you've got a job that you can do from home, you might as well do it there. God knows I wouldn't mind skipping the bus ride to work every day."
Try spending a year without a job to go to, Julian thought, but she didn't say anything, and Janice just said, "I still worry."
From all the heavy sighs and silences along the ride, Julian expected to find Jasper holed up in some corner of the house, his mood dark and despondent. Instead they pulled up to find him standing outside in the snow, wearing a bright rainbow-colored scarf but no coat, hopping from foot to foot to keep warm, and grinning.
"Bambino!" he called out across the yard. "So good to have you here again!"
Dylan was squealing and waving his arms so much that Julian had trouble holding on to him. He probably didn't really know where he was, Julian thought, but he'd relaxed so easily in the car it was as if he knew he was on his way to somewhere, something, someone he liked.
"My little bambino," said Jasper, close enough now to give Dylan a kiss, to hold out his hands and let Dylan grab his fingers. "How've they been treating you, these parents of yours? Do they spend as much time dancing as we do out here? Or are you too cramped in your little city flat? You need to spend more time out here in the country so you have room to dance."
"Oh, we dance plenty," said Julian, laughing.
"If there weren't room at our place then Dylan would make room," Theo added.
"Da!" said Dylan.
"I'm not your Dada, bambino, that's this other fellow who came with you."
Julian shook her head. "Theo's 'pa'."
"I think 'da' might be his first attempt at Jasper," said Theo.
"I could get used to that. What do you think, Janice? He could use the same name for both of us."
"Sounds good to me, but let's just get inside before we work any more on his speech development. It's freezing out here."
They spent the whole afternoon talking, dancing, singing, falling down and laughing. Janice took her turn holding him, smiling when she could make him smile, but Julian had never known anyone besides her and Theo – not even his mother or her parents, babysitters they occasionally paid to take care of him – to be as happily engaged, entertaining the boy and entertained by him, hour after hour, as Jasper. When Dylan tired and cried, Jasper didn't hesitate to pick him up and do his best to comfort him. He wouldn't really calm down unless he was with Julian or Theo, but then he cried again when they got up to leave and Jasper said goodbye.
"It was wonderful to see you again," said Julian. "Good night."
"No," said Jasper, shaking his head, "that's next week."
"Sorry?"
"Christmas Eve, in Spanish they call it la nochebuena…"
"Jasper spent two months in Nicaragua in the eighties," said Janice, "and I think he learned about ten words in that time, but he uses them any chance he gets."
"Don't make fun of me," said Jasper, "I'm trying to raise Dylan as a citizen of the world. Good night, amigos. Have a safe trip back to your poisonous city."
They hugged and said happy Christmas and happy anniversary, and Jasper stayed in the doorway while the others went out. It was dark by then, and colder, and Theo looked almost as tired as Dylan, so the two of them rode in back this time and Julian took shotgun.
"Well," said Janice, "that's the happiest I've seen Jasper since your last visit. Perhaps if we could convince the three of you to move out here then I wouldn't have to worry so much."
It was something they'd bring up every once in a while, Jasper more often but sometimes Janice as well. Theo and Julian tended to treat it as a joke – Theo's school was in central London, after all, and he had to be there five days a week. And Julian would go crazy if she couldn't go for a walk and see some strangers every day. But Janice sounded sad now, as sad as she'd said Jasper was feeling. "Would you really want a baby in the house all the time?" said Julian.
"Oh, I think I could handle it – especially if the rest of you would change his nappies, and I could just play a bit of peek-a-boo from time to time, and join in your dance parties."
Julian hesitated before asking a question that had been on her mind for a good two years now. "Have you and Jasper ever wanted to have children?" When Janice didn't answer at once she added, "I hope you don't mind my asking."
"No, no, it's all right." Janice's eyes were on the road, lit only by the stars and her headlights. "We've thought about it, yes, I suppose every couple does. We've talked about it, as I believe every couple should…"
Julian looked straight ahead as well. Janice had always had this way of making pronouncements. They weren't targeted at Julian or at anyone in particular, but since Julian measured herself against her mentor she couldn't stop herself from, well, judging. She and Theo hadn't talked about having children until after she'd found out she was pregnant. Then again, they hadn't known each other for all that long then.
If Janice noticed that Julian was embarrassed she didn't show it. "We used to talk about it more, when we were both younger, and he wanted… We wanted to have children at some point. But my career's always been very important to me, I think you know that."
"Of course."
Janice laughed softly. "When I started out there were a lot of men that thought I wouldn't amount to much. It always made me laugh that the one bloke who was willing to take me seriously was the cartoonist."
Julian laughed too, but her throat and her smile felt tight.
"But he always did. And when I said I couldn't start having babies yet because it would get in the way of the work I wanted to do, he respected that. Of course, the problem with saying you're not ready to sacrifice your career yet is that it doesn't magically become easy to take a few years off once you've become successful."
"Maybe getting knocked up at twenty-one really was the best thing for me then."
"When I see your baby in your arms I sure think so."
Julian twisted around to look at the boys in the back seat. Both had their eyes closed and a peaceful look on their face, but Theo's hand reached across to grasp Dylan's. They wouldn't let each other go.
Janice sighed. "You can't think I'm judging you, can you?"
"Oh, I can't help it." Julian's voice was cracking. She kept looking back. Theo didn't open his eyes.
"Look," said Janice, "when I met you, you were an overly ambitious and idealistic exchange student who asked a lot of questions in office hours. Maybe you would have made a good journalist. Maybe you still will someday, I don't know. It's not important to me whether you decide on the same career that I did. What I know is that you're a terrific mother and a terrific human being. I truly hope you don't think I'd consider that a disappointment."
Julian shook her head, but she couldn't speak. She turned around to face forward again, and Janice briefly laid a hand on hers.
"As for me," Janice said, "I'm not quite forty, I could probably still have a baby. Jasper's older though, so you worry about a child losing his father when he's still young. That part, not wanting to leave a child alone, goes along with the feeling we always had that we didn't deserve to have children."
"I don't understand," said Julian. "Who would have done a better job?"
Janice shook her head. "No, it's not that someone else deserves them more. Just this feeling that…well, of all the things gone wrong with the world, half of them are connected to overpopulation, aren't they? And in our circle of friends… or the circle of friends we had ten years ago, it was considered somewhat selfish to bring more children into the world. I look at you three though and I…I can't say I regret the choices I made, but you make me wonder what another kind of life would have been like."
They'd made it to the suburbs by then. The lights by the highway had made the stars dim.
"I guess we'll always make each other feel that way," said Julian.
"Maybe so. No regrets though, all right? I'd hate to think that being around me made you unhappy."
"Of course not," Julian said immediately. And added, laughing, "Just because I cry every other time I see you…"
"I know, I know. It means you trust me. It's the same way for me, just without the tears."
"Okay. Thank you, Janice. I'm with you. No regrets."
Part 2 (2007-2009)