Sophinisba Solis (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
sophinisba) wrote2011-01-01 01:40 pm
sophinisba) wrote2011-01-01 01:40 pm
Entry tags:
Yuletide fic: Any Story We Know (Fucking Åmål/Merlin fusion)
Title: Any Story We Know
Fandom: Fucking Åmål | Show Me Love / Merlin
Wordcount: 1555
Pairing(s): Agnes/Elin with a bit of Gwen/Morgana
Rating: PG-13
Contains: references to self-harm (not graphic) and infidelity
Summary: "I knew this was going to happen, you know."
Notes: I spent my Christmas Eve this year watching this Swedish lesbian teen movie, then writing this fic, and posting it to the AO3 just before the Yuletide Collection closed. It was an extra gift for our own
emei, who brings much queerness and awesome to Merlin fandom."I knew this was going to happen, you know," says Elin smugly, sliding her foot against Agnes's, feeling Agnes warm at her back and the sunlight from the window warm on her skin.
"You knew what was going to happen?"
"This, you and me, being together like this, and your skin being so soft. I knew that you'd comb my hair back with your fingers the way you do, and it would make me feel good, like it does."
She hears Agnes' quiet snort at her ear, pictures her biting her lip before she says, "If you knew, then why did it take you so long to come around and tell me?"
"Well, I didn't know it the way you know the answer to a question. It wasn't like anything I'd ever thought about before. It took me a little while to understand it for myself."
She doesn't say that she dreamed it, or that she lied when her sister caught her moaning in her sleep and asked what she was dreaming about. She says, "We were destined to be together, you and me." And, in an effort to make Agnes laugh more than anything else, adds, "It's just like a fairy tale!"
"I don't know about that," Agnes says, but it works – when Elin twists around to face her she's smiling.
"It is! You're like a fairy tale princess, Agnes."
"And you're like…the other princess who marries her?"
"Yes, just like that! And they live happily ever after."
Agnes's smile slips out of place and she goes quiet for a bit, and Elin would rather be laughed at. She's so in love it's ridiculous, and she knows it.
"That doesn't sound like any story I know," Agnes says softly, but then she kisses her, so it's all right.
Agnes knows a lot of stories. She knows a lot of novels and poems and classical music. Agnes and her mom and dad and even her little brother sometimes sit in the same room, each one quietly reading their own book. Elin knows this because Agnes has told her, not because they do it when she's around. When Elin is there Agnes's parents ask her questions and smile blandly at her answers, and she feels like Oskar is the only one who really likes her.
(She recognizes Oskar easily, despite the age difference. That'll make it more complicated for him and Jessica to get together, she thinks, but maybe the fact that they're a boy and a girl this time will smooth the way to some extent. Anyway, she's found Agnes, and that's what matters most.)
When they're alone she asks Agnes to read to her. Agnes likes poetry best – Karin Boye and Edith Södergran, Anne Sexton and Sylvia Plath. She always starts out calm and matter-of-fact, almost like she's giving a report at school. But she won't look Elin in the eye while she's reading, and when she talks about death beautiful as a bride, or when she talks about how much it hurts to love, her voice will crack, and sometimes she'll put the book away without saying anything, and they'll just lie there together and think.
Sometimes Agnes lends Elin the books, but she never reads more than a few pages once she gets them home. It doesn't feel right, reading to herself with Jessica right there, even though Jessica isn't talking to her much these days.
Elin still dreams about the two of them together, and sometimes she dreams about the two of them apart. In some of her dreams they're both old and wrinkled, and it's a little depressing – she's started working harder at school, both because she wants Agnes and her family to think she's smart, and because she doesn't think it's going to work out for her to be a model after all. Still, she likes those dreams best, the quiet contentment of them. She hates the dreams where she's young and stupid, fucking some guy she met at the bar where she got drunk and high. She hates how close and familiar they feel.
"I had a nightmare," she'll say, but say doesn't say what it was about.
In one dream Agnes is screaming, "No, you can't do this, I won't let you," and Elin can't tell how far off it is – her face is red and hard to read, distorted from her crying. Elin doesn't say anything to Agnes about it, but she isn't surprised next summer when they get the news that Agnes's father has been promoted, and the family is moving to Göteborg.
"I'll come and visit you," she says, and kisses Agnes's tears and stays with her, because Agnes has locked the door and won't let her parents in, and Elin doesn't want to leave her alone. She holds Agnes's hand and pretends, as always after that first time, not to see the scar on her wrist. She pretends she's not terrified, even though if this is happening it means all her other dark visions could come true too, and now she understands that the hospital she's seen must be in Göteborg. She doesn't want to visit Agnes there.
"I don't want to leave," Agnes sobs.
"Are you kidding?" says Elin. "This will be great for you. A real city! This will be great for us. I'll come and see you every weekend, and once we're old enough we'll get our own place there. It'll be so much better than Åmål, just wait and see."
She's never told Agnes what she's seen of the future, but she does tell her about the past. Parts of it, anyway. To Agnes it's just a silly story, but Elin still thinks it's better to leave off the ending.
"I dreamed we lived in a castle, like in the story books, with kings and queens," she says. "Jessica and Oskar were there too, but you and I were together all the time. You'd help me pick out the most gorgeous dresses, and you'd comb my hair, and we'd sit together and watch the knights in their tournaments, and then other times we'd do the fighting ourselves."
"Was I your servant?" Agnes asks, raising an eyebrow.
"You were my best friend!" Agnes keeps looking at her doubtfully until Elin allows, "You were a maid, yes. You were my maid, and my best friend. And you loved me and I loved you, just like we do now, only we never came out, so the boys still thought they had a chance."
"Didn't you have to marry a prince?"
Elin shakes her head. "I never did. I only ever loved you."
She knows that in this life Agnes is, will always be, the faithful one. And Elin is, will be, already has been, the one to break her heart. Still, she thinks, this time she might just manage to heal it too, to find them a happy ending after all. Åmål at the turn of the millennium isn't paradise, but it beats the fucking Middle Ages, especially since they're a girl and a girl again this time.
Agnes cries herself to sleep the night they find out she's moving away. The next day she's still unhappy but she's calmer.
"My dad says we have to take the long view with this stuff," she says. "Last year I thought my life was horrible because you wouldn't look at me, and here you are in my bed, promising to come visit me wherever I go, and I still hate my life."
"You should love your life," says Elin, "especially after all the times I've apologized for being such a jerk back then."
"He says he was unhappy when he was our age. He wasn't popular, none of the girls wanted to go out with him. But then he went to his twenty-five-year reunion and everything was different. The ones who used to be popular hadn't amounted to anything, but he had a great life."
"He does have a good life, your dad."
"Yeah, well, he said that all that before he knew I was a lesbian. Maybe he doesn't think it's turned out so well now."
"He can't complain, he just got a promotion!"
That gets her a smile at least.
"They love you though," Elin says seriously. I mean, my mom keeps letting me back in because she can't figure out what else to do with me. But your parents adore you."
Agnes nods unhappily. "They think they're hoping that once we move away I'll get over you."
Elin laughs out loud to cover up the hurt. "And I won't ever amount to anything," she says. "Well, forget about that. But I do think your dad's right about one thing. You have to be patient and believe things will get better."
"I better not have to wait twenty-five years."
Try waiting centuries, Elin thinks, because something's gone wrong in every other life she can remember, and she knows there's still a lot left to fuck up in this one too. But she thinks this time they can make it work anyway.
"If I have to wait twenty-five years and then I get to grow old with you I'll call it a win," she says. "But I don't think it'll take that long. Anyway, let's concentrate on getting through high school first."
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I'm so impressed you did it all on Christmas Eve - I hope you had as much fun watching & writing as I had reading. Thank you again. ♥
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Your icon is so cute!